I have always said, well, for thirty years, I’d never go back to high school. But I wonder if I’d mind it so much if school weren’t part of the equation – the academics. That’s when learning started to get hard for me - probably focusing as well. But what if the three-minute hustle it took to get to class, switch off your books at an unassigned locker (probably the most bad-boy thing I ever did) and hoping to catch a glimpse of whatever girl I was crushing on at the time didn’t exist? What if it was just the hanging out part? The relationship side of all of it? I have to admit, I’m curious.
Maybe it depends on the rules of what I’m assuming is the time-traveling that would make this event possible. Would I go back and have the knowledge of the future on my back, the tip of my tongue? The palm of my hands? Or, what if I was there to start a clean slate or to prevent certain things from happening? Would I wait for my senior year to find my confidence?
Ever since I started one of my novels a year ago, I’ve been thinking about high school and the relationships that lasted and the ones that seemed too brief. What about the ones that were so organic in germinating you can’t remember the time, place or events surrounding its inception?
I know there are things I’d handle differently. There’s a lot of change in high school. Sometimes, I was too immature (maybe too self-centered), or maybe coming to terms with certain realities rattling my chain prevented me from seeing what was happening. Growing up. Many tributaries of heartache, change, misunderstandings and missed opportunities lead to where we are. Right here. Right now. And as Everything, Everywhere All at Once teaches us, every moment matters whether it’s one you’d want to relive or not.
Before writing this, I pulled out my senior year yearbook. I wrote a post last year using its black-and-white pages of smiles, cheers and celebrations as a launching point for something to write. I needed an idea today, so I paged through it. Actually, I didn’t make it past the inside cover. Reading the entries, I couldn’t help but wonder what it’d be like to go back and do it again.
I seemed well-liked. Funny and supportive. Friendly and silly.
Some days, though, I can’t help but ask, what happened to the beauty I had inside of me? like Bono sings in City of Blinding Lights. Has life tricked me into believing I don’t feel as much joy as I should? Or am I being contemplative because I just watched a thought-provoking movie? I get like that. That is one thing that has not changed about me since high school. For better, for worse.
On occasion, my emotions get the best of me. I don’t break down and cry (unless it’s Bono singing about his dad. Even then, it’s tears that never fall). It’s more anger than anything else. I won’t ever apologize for being passionate about what I believe in or what I know is right (i.e., showing love to everyone. No matter what. Let me repeat that. No. Matter. What.) But sometimes, my passion upsets people. I struggle to balance hardcore beliefs with tact. But being a doormat is not an option. Nothing changes if you remain silent. So, as I peruse through my past, I wonder if the beauty remains.
Reading these yearbook signings has me wondering: If we were to do the same as adults and get a yearbook every spring, what would people write? Hmmm.
I think I’ll stick with my ‘94 yearbook.
Ryan,
I really don’t know what to say. There’s so much that has happened this year. I don’t know where to begin. This year has really been fun. I’m really glad I got to know you. You certainly make life interesting. It was fun having you around to cheer me and my friends up. You’re a really nice guy even though you’re mean to me and talk about Angie! Thank you so much for running up those 200? However many steps to put my name up on that scoreboard. It was so much fun in Baltimore! When am I ever going to hear Tigger again? Oh, now, I’m going to cry! It really has been fun though. Have fun in Africa. I’m sure you’ll look great wearing your hat! Please stay in touch over the summer. Remember, I’ll always be there for your last resort. Please come down sometime so I can seduce you with “Everything I Do”! Good luck in all you do and with Angie! You’re really a great friend (I guess). I’m really going to miss all your impressions especially your hotdog!
Love Always, S
Ryan,
This really has been a great year. I never really knew you this well until this year. I’m going to miss you making me laugh. You were the only one to make me laugh when I didn’t feel happy. Thank you. I’m going to miss you Ryan. You really are a great person. -J
Mr. Graybill Sir,
What a year, we laughed, we cried, we took soil samples. It just won’t be the same without hearing, “Stevens, bring the Viper around.” Good luck. Your humble servant, Stevens
Ryan,
Hey, cutie what’s happening? Had it not been for World Cultures as juniors we probably wouldn’t be the friends we are now. I must thank you for all the time you’ve made me laugh. Listening to you makes me laugh harder than looking at you does!! :) Remember that you are going to show me all your pictures from Africa someday. Also, remember that you said you would keep in touch. Congrats on Prom King and you make a wonderful stage man in Cinderella. I have an idea…seeing that we live five minutes apart, how about if we get together and play horseshoes or something? I could teach you a thing or two. It’s been a wonderful year and I wish you luck w/all you do. It’s been real. All my love, K.
Ryan,
There wasn’t much room room so I have to wright really little so it fits on. Well, it was a great year and it will be a better summer. I didn’t spend as much time at your house because I forgot where you live. Just remember I love you and you’re my hero and roll ‘em. Goodbye, Robin “this is English courage” -J
I don’t remember all the circumstances, but I do remember the people. The last one referred to a Robin Hood movie my friends and I were going to make in the woods behind my home. We only shot the opening scene (along with some very hi-tech, imaginative opening credits) and I’ll forever be disappointed we didn’t make more of it. So, if there’s anything I’d go back and change, it would be that. And maybe I just gave myself another story idea.
With that, I’m going back to high school!
See you at Cherry Crest Class of ’94!
Dream Out Loud,
rg